Beautiful Anesthetic
by blissfulmemories
Summary: “You’re not good for me, Bella.” My heart throbbed agonizingly in my chest, my lungs seemed as thought they were drained of all air. Tears streamed down my face, like small drops of rain sliding down a window. My New Moon. Cutting involved. ExB, same pair
1. Prologue

**Hi guys...this is it! My first fanfic EVER! This is for everyone who helped me gain confidence to write and were kind enough to overlook my flaws. Thank You rachelandthecupcakecrusades, stupid shiny volvo driver, Shujouteki Kumo, YoolieYick, and mYBlOoYcRySTalHeaRt!! Thank you guys!! Please be kind. Arigatou.**

**Disclaimer: Me? Own Twilight? Yeah, when pigs fly. **

Prologue: Pain

"You're not good for me, Bella." My heart throbbed agonizingly in my chest, my lungs seemed as thought they were drained of all air. Tears streamed down my face, like small drops of rain sliding down a window. I could only repeat those excruciating words in my head, over and over, a steady rhythm wreaking havoc with my heart. I gasped for air as I processed those words…he never loved me? Never? Of course not, I was a painfully plain human with ordinary qualities. He, other the other hand, was an exquisitely beautiful being with an extraordinary personality. I never deserved him, I was nothing compared to him. He deserved better, he was right to do this. But does that mean he had the right to pretend he loved me all this time? A charade? An elaborate façade that complicated his entire family? Why? I guess I was a shiny new toy that had dulled, no longer fit to hold the attention of its master, or masters in this case. No, the rest of the Cullens could not be blamed, nor could Edward. It's me, isn't it? I was the one who had failed him. Maybe if I was more beautiful, more like…Rosalie. He would never be able to leave if only I was not this pitiful human. The sharp pains in my chest ebbed to a muffled throb, yes, it was true then. I was the one to blame, not Edward, nor his beautiful family. Me. My breathing returned, no longer a laborious task. My epiphany was proving itself correct, I was no longer consumed by pain that slowly wasted away at my heart. Surprised, I put my hand on my chest, expecting the ache to return at my touch, but it did not. I couldn't feel anything. That can't be normal. Why can't I feel anything? I called up my memories, hoping my sadness would return. I felt…nothing. Not the fresh pain, the ancient sadness or the fierce anger…nothing. Happiness? Would I feel happy? I recalled a memory with Renee when we both lived in Phoenix. I was nine, Renee decided it was a beautiful day to go to the zoo and I agreed. We laughed at the silly antics of the baby chimps and joked when one threw a peanut at my mother's head. I told her that maybe perhaps the chimp thought that Renee was the mother chimp and expected her to clean up. That day was filled with childish wonder and happiness for me. But…I still could not feel anything. I was numb. I jumped off my bed and made my way to the bag of toiletries that I left in a corner of my room. As I passed the rocking chair, I avoided making eye contact with the piece of furniture. I picked up the bag and rummaged through its contents for a few seconds. There, at the very bottom of the bag, I found what I needed. My razor. I slowly worked the razor out of the handle, avoiding the sharp edges. It lay innocently on my palm, an object that would have seemed menacing to the clumsy Bella, only caused me to chuckle silently. I picked it up carefully, using my thumb and pointer finger, and pressed it against my wrist. It did not draw blood. I tilted the razor blade a bit, tilting it on an angle and applied pressure against the blade. Suddenly, I saw drops of crimson squeezing around the silver edge. Despite my usual repugnance towards blood, I could not help but marvel at the sight. The drops of dark red contrasted beautifully against my albino-like skin. A feeling of euphoria passed though me before a sharp sting took over. How ironic, the only way I could feel anything, any emotion, any pain, was when I cut myself.

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**Bear with me here, this might be a little unclear, but that's what Prologues are there for! Edward does leave Bella for the same reasons as he does in New Moon, BUT he does not leave Forks, the Cullens will also be in Forks. This will all be explained in the next chapter. However, I'm going on a week long vacation tomorrow, and I won't be able to update in a while. My sincerest apologies.**


	2. Namida

**Hi guys!!...I know…I know…it's been nearly ONE YEAR since I've updated. And I promised only a week worth of waiting too…I know you guys must be utterly disappointed with my lack of commitment. Actually, I was afraid that it would turn out that way too…I've always seemed to quit in the middle of things. I'm very, very sorry! I apologize to everyone!! I hate to make excuses, but I'd like to blame this on school!! But no worries! It is now officially summer! Yay! From tomorrow, I will try to commit myself to this fanfic. Promise! **

**Anyways, since its been so long and since I started this fic without a basic plot…I had no option but to create a new one as I forgot my last . but I though I will change it around a bit. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter! (P.S: sorry if this chapter is very rough! I don't like to edit my own chapters!)**

**I also want to thank UchihaSakuraXItachi for giving me inspiration to start writing again! I almost gave this story up...-sob-**

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** Disclaimer: Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, a person owned Twilight and most importantly, Edward. She was very happy, working away on her computer for days at a time to come up with interesting new plots. She also had Edward to comfort her through her troubles and Edward to enjoy the happy times with her…and her name was NOT Blissfulmemories….curse you Stephenie Meyer!!**

**(That was one long disclaimer…. )**

**….One more thing. Last thing, I promise! A pic of Bella's new hair is on my profile. Click on it when you reach that part please!**

**Sorry….I had to break my promise…this is the last! I promise!! I will keep true this time! Anyways, just to let you know, I decided to add 2 inches to Bella's quite short 5'4". (No offence to my peeps out there who are 5'4"!! Really! XD)**

**See….I didn't break my promise! (Wait….this doesn't count, right?! What's that? It does? NOOOOOO!!)**

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Chapter One: Namida (Teardrops)

Golden rays drifted into my room through my filmy curtains…it was morning. I rubbed my eyes, clearing away the night. Weird, why was the sun out? Oh well, it was no mystery that the clouds would be overtaking the sun very soon. When I looked down, I saw three slashes along my right wrist. All which were was swollen. I probably should cover that up. Not that I particularly cared what others thought about me…after the only one that I ever loved betrayed me…why would there be a need to be concerned about others? Still, I don't want…_him_…seeing this. I've always hated be laughed at by others. And _he_ would probably let out a laugh—a beautiful, musical peal of laughter—upon seeing the state of his old toy. But nevertheless, a laughter that would undoubtedly pierce my heart like a white hot steel spear.

I rolled out of my bed slowly, hesitant whether I should actually go to school today. But I really shouldn't worry Charlie, he was already so worried yesterday at the state I showed up home in. I grabbed the necessary articles from my toiletry bag and headed towards the bathroom.

I let out a gasp when I glanced at the mirror and saw my reflection. That was me? I changed so much in _just _one day?! After crying so much, weirdly enough, my eyes cleared and became an even more piercing brown. My biting of the lips always turned my pale pink lips into a permanent coral red. And I don't know how or why, but my hair had become so shiny. From not having washed my hair for one day? Weird.

I quickly forgot my appearance (I mean after all, who did I have to try and impress anymore?) I went through my daily activities in the bathroom why my eyes fell on a lone pair of scissors in the open medicine closet. The fluorescent light bulbs in the ceiling cast light onto the instrument which lay scintillating and eerily metallic on the shelf. I looked up at my reflection, and then back at the scissors.

Letting out a soft chuckle, I reached for the scissors and swiftly, I chopped off my locks. Now I no longer had long hair, which is rather an understatement considering how short my hair now was. I have ceased to be Bella Swan. I've read somewhere that the ancient Japanese cut off their hair to illustrate a change within, while a more modern Japanese cut their hair to represent a broken heart. I hoped I was the former. My hair now stuck very close to my head, straight as ever, stopping a little before my shoulder, along with my self cut bangs that reached my eyebrows.

I went outside into my sunlit room, reached into my closet and quickly picked out an outfit that would effectively hide my cuts: a deep blue turtleneck with long sleeves that reached my wrists, and perfectly faded skinny jeans. Surprisingly, I decided to wear a pair of silver stilettos, which added five inches to my short 5'6". Thanks to Alice, the clothes fit me to a tee and hugged my nonexistent curves. To divert prying eyes from my wounds on, I decided to wear a delicate, silver bracelet. Hopefully, the curious would prefer to let their eyes drift to the bracelet rather than the uncovered inch of skin on my wrist. To finish off my outfit, I wore a pair of small silver studs and grabbed my bag with my books.

I quickly ran down the stairs when I noticed I only have 6 minutes to reach school. I saw Charlie in the kitchen with a cup of coffee in one hand and a piece of burned toast in his other. Eww. I knew he was bad in the kitchen…but how hard it is to toast bread!

As I ran out the door with my bag and keys in hand, I saw Charlie's mouth drop out of my peripheral. I wonder why…? That's when I realized that I had run down the stairs and out the door with five inch heels…I bet Charlie noticed. That must be why he was so surprised! Truthfully, I hadn't noticed that I was running earlier, I'm also surprised that I didn't trip and fall only to be saved by….oh…._that's right_….that can never happen to me again, huh?

As I sat in my car, I let a few tears fall before I brushed them aside and turned on the ignition and drove to school. Well, I thought they were just a few tears. As I started driving, I noticed a scent…a lingering scent of intoxication…of _him _in the car. The road blurred, and I noticed that I could see nothing because my tears were obscuring my vision. I almost pulled off to the shoulder, but than I wondered who would care…if I died. Would any miss me at all? Renee would be happy without any worries with Phil, and I would leave Charlie with peace in the house; he wouldn't have to worry about his troublesome daughter. I choked on my tears as I realized that there was not one soul on earth that cared for my existence…not one. Did I have anything to live for in the barren world, I wondered as I continued to drive. Secretly, I hoped that with a flash of metal, my car would be dashed to pieces, and I would be…_dead_.

I drove on, my tears mirroring the raindrops slipping down from the crying clouds.

Omniscient POV

Bella's red Chevy pulled quickly into the parking lot, so swiftly that it may have drawn the attention of other students if there had been any outside at that time. Apparently, she also knew that the first bell had rung and she was late to her first class. She stepped out of her truck, wiped her eyes for the last time and quickly made her way to the main office.

I walked into the office; I had to get a late pass to my class from the office, or the stupid teacher won't let me into the class. As I entered the slightly chilly room, I saw Mrs. Cope loosely holding a trashy romance novel, sitting behind the glass in a daze…and I automatically assumed one of the male Cullens had breezed through the office just before I had entered.

"Hello, Mrs. Cope. I need a pass to my class, there was a bit of traffic and I was held up", I told the poor woman, forcefully hiding my sob that threatened to break with my mention of the Cullens. Then I actually let out a silent chuckle, Forks and traffic definitely did not go together. In Forks, there was at least 20 miles of road to every person living in town. How could there possibly be any traffic in Forks?! Fortunately for me, the slightly retarded woman gave me an affirmative.

"I know, honey. The traffic is absolutely terrifying during the week at this time of the day in Forks!" she replied rather vaguely. And I wondered how she knew that considering that she was shut behind a glass panel every day at the time of the day she spoke of. As I watched her eyes come back slowly to reality, I saw confusion whirl in her flat, brown eyes. "Do you go to this school, honey?" she asked me in a condescending tone. I was upset. Would I be asking for a pass to class if I didn't attend this school?! I screamed internally. But I knew the actual reason that I was upset, yet another piece of evidence that I was not noticed or needed by anyone.

"Mrs. Cope, you remember me, right? I'm Bella Swan, Chief Charlie Swan's daughter."

To my horror, she laughed! At me!

"Dear, Isabella Swan? If you need to impersonate someone, at least pick someone that looks like you, or has a similar personality! You're after one of the Cullens aren't you? Edward, perhaps? Sorry to break it to you sweetie, but Edward's together with Isabella. Hmmm….I get it! That's why you picked her! Isabella, honey, is a shy and rather dreary girl that attends this school. Very innocent, but quite the boring girl, Isabella is. Given your height and beauty, you could pull of Rosalie!"

I flinched. Rosalie? Cullens? _Edward? _What was this idiot woman blabbering about? To tell me that I'm a dreary and boring girl, and to my face?! Then, she accuses me of trying to impersonate someone to sneak into this school, and all because I'm after a _Cullen?_ I was absolutely horrified, and somewhat insulted. Furthermore, she keep on calling me Isabella. _Damn her_.

"Mrs. Cope. Please. I'm Bella Swan." I pulled out my schedule I had stuffed into one of my textbooks. "Look. This is my schedule; it has my name and all my classes on it. Can you believe me now? All I did was cut my hair!" I almost shouted, anger leaking into my voice.

The woman looked taken aback, her skinny eyebrows furrowed and her forehead wrinkled disgustingly. She shot her limp hands out towards me and grabbed the piece of paper that I held in my hands. She let her eyes whip back and forth, scrutinizing every detail; perhaps she was looking for an error…or evidence that this was just a fake schedule that I had produced to further my plot. Finally, with a dejected sigh, she handed the schedule back along with a messy pass she had written.

"Okay, _Isabella_. You can go now," she said suspiciously. I had a feeling she still didn't believe me. What was wrong with this woman?! As I left the building, I had a sneaking suspicion that this woman, married, may I add, made it her life mission to repel all females excepting herself, from all the male…Cullens.

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**Yes, Yes. I know! Please forgive me! I'm really sorry that this was such a short chappie! My attention span wont let me write a longer one! Besides, I keep changing it, so the only way for me to stop it to post in here! And I want you guys to read it as fast as you can! I'm sorry! But I promise that next chapter, it will become more interesting! I mean, afterall...its Edward's entrance!! **

Thankies for reading! Read and review!


	3. Her

**And here she is. She has made her reappearance! I won't even ask for forgiveness, because I know I don't deserve it. So just read. Oh, and a warning…I kinda forgot what happened in the books…so my timeline may be just a bit off. If you can point it out, I'll love you forever. And sorry! Edward hasn't made his appearance yet…patience, my dearies! **

**Disclaimer:**

**Me: Hey! I'm Stephenie Meyer…and I own Twilight!**

**Emmett: O.M.G! It's Stephenie Meyer! My hero, my inspiration, my creator!....wait…you're just an nerdy teenagers in sweats. Who the f*** are you?**

**Me: EEP! It's Emmett Cullen! O.M.G! I LOVE YOU EMMETT! If I tell you who I really am…will you and Eddie and Jazzy be mine for ever and ever and ever and ever?!**

**Emmett: -runs away screaming like a girl-**

**Me: Dammit, I'm not Stephenie and I sure as hell down own my darlings. **

Her.

First day of my senior year. And I was late. I quickly scanned my schedule…Advanced Placement English. Room 18. Great, it's one of those tiny house-like buildings far of to the side…_great…just great!_ It takes at least 3 minute to get to that class, and according to the clock in Ms. Cope's office—I only have 2 minutes before the first bell! Run, Bella, Run! _Brrrrrrring. _Goddamnit, Bella you slowpoke!I entered the building and let out my held breath, I was glad to see that I wasn't the only late one. Eric, Jessica and a few others were still hanging their coats on little hooks by the door. Only at Forks will a school provide every student a hook for his or her raincoat. I sighed, and shook off my bronzed leather coat. _Thank you, Edward_, I thought to myself mentally as my heart gave an irrepressible twinge. I consciously tugged at my blue sleeves and turned around to make my way to a seemingly innocuous desk in the corner….and I saw it.

Ebony black and ocher.

The world around me began to blur, Eric became a pale, white blur…the class a mix of brown and white hues. The teacher's droning introductions gave way to white noise. My heel gave away and I slumped into the desk to hold my body steady. No. No. No! My heart began to singe at the edges, beginnings of a furious raging fire…I was beginning to feel as though I swigged a glass of cold acid—burning a trail of white-hot.

Alice Cullen.

Not in my wildest dreams had I believed the Cullens would remain in Forks. Why would they?! He told me. He told me that he was leaving me! Forever! Why didn't they leave…must they really remain here to see me…broken and bleeding? To revel in my pain…my suffering? It was too cruel. To rip my heart and to watch it bleed.

"…Alice."

I watched her slowly raise her angelic face to me. Only the two of us existed at that moment. Bitter tears sprung up and began to collect in my eyes, and then I saw her go rigid in her chair. Her slender fingers clutched the edges of the desk, and the strain was visible on the fragile pieces of metal holding the table together. No doubt she was a witness to some unforeseen event in the future. I chuckled mentally…these events? Were the unforeseen if Alice had already seen them? Yet behind those whimsical thoughts, fear was lurking in the depths of my mind. Was she seeing me? Was I crashing my beloved truck, bleeding in what I hoped to be a beautiful wreck? Or perhaps I was fingering Charlie's gun a bit too lovingly? All thoughts I had entertained. How can I die with Alice around? Stupid future-seeing pixie.

I turned around and took seat next to a small, blond girl who's name I had forgotten. Katie…? No. Karen? I sighed, who gave a damn? Not a girl who's heart was ripped out by seven pairs of ethereal hands. Nope, not me. I honed in what the man-teacher was droning on in front of me. Yet another classic I had already read in Phoenix. You would think they would mix the curriculum around a bit for intelligent humans and immortal vampire beings that masqueraded as teenage students. Oh wait, they don't know the latter existed. Well, at least change it for me, the intelligent human, I huffed internally. And I sighed. Yet again. My life was falling apart right in front of me, and I can't do a damn about it. My heart was a dark hole that was eating me alive, and I can't do a damn about it. Everything I cared about and loved, was murdering me…and I can't do a damn about it. The harsh bell broke my train of thoughts and grounded me. I was just about ready to make a dash for the door. And then she looked at me. More specifically, she looked at my wrist. DAMN. I forgot about that.

**Short, I know. Just wait for it…just wait for it! Edward will be giving frees hugs and cookies to those who review!**


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